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Sunday, July 29, 2012

Neverland

part 1
One of the constant dramas I've had over the past years has something to do with relationships. I wonder if this constant push and pulls inside me would ever cease. 
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I have just updated my vision board when Linda Lee asked me about it...




Flashing back, she once asked me about the role models I have in life and I started enumerating the names of different saints. She beamed over the status I dreamt for myself and suggested that I start shifting my gears towards that mode... 

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There is inside me that wishes to stay on a spiritual level ~ one of my animators told me that I do reflect a lot but have to be careful in overanalyzing and feeding my ego. 


It's the 'me' that says that God and the 'children' come first.
    
The other side wishes to forget God's call and just go with the flow of human nature. Reaching to that furthest end of temptation to commit something for the heck of it. 
Reaching my base ~ id.
It becomes increasingly alarming as it rings a very high note at the very depths of my being...

It's the one that says I wish to be married and have kids of my own...

It just isn't me and it is me at the same time...

This conflict goes on and sometimes I try to push people who are getting too intimate but at the same time I crave for so much attention ~ inordinate attachments...
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I'd look at how I've poured the Peter Pan Syndrome into my subconscious just so I could forego any sexual feelings that I have... 


I nudge any attraction...


So, I asked a friend to pray over my addictions to keep my balance.


Unlike 'substance' where I could just easily pick a name, 'behavioral' is kind of tricky...


How do I call mine?

~ a high demand for respect ~
~ being 'good' all the time ~

~my thorn in the flesh~


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~images in pencil and charcoal drawn by me (2010)~














Monday, July 16, 2012

16th of July

I was in a journal writing/ dream interpretation course with some young friends  when I met her... 

I couldn't remember what I shared in there but she stirred a memory in each one of us in her experience...

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July 16, 1990, 4: 26 pm

I was with my friend Hazel in the library and just as we were descending the stairs, earthquake shook our country that day.

Hazel was able to get down to the groundfloor while I retreated back to the library where we were gathered by our librarian in prayer.
It took several minutes and when everything quieted down, we all went down together.
I went home where my family awaited me.

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She was attending a conference in one of Baguio's finest hotels...

It toppled down and left her under the debris...

...where she stayed for three days...

She was among those who survived...
her other colleagues perished in that incident...

...and the eternal question, "Why me?"
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She dreamt of dolphins... 

'To see a dolphin in your dream symbolizes spiritual guidance, intellect, mental attributes and emotional trust. The dream is usually an inspirational one, encouraging you to utilize your mind to its capacity and move upward in life {Resurrection} Alternatively, it suggests that a line of communication has been established between the conscious and subconscious aspects of yourself.'


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We saw each other again after several years...

and went together in the Italian language class for four months...

It was such a blessing!

She continued her story...

After the earthquake, 
she felt that God was calling her for a higher cause...

she resigned from her work as an accountant and began her journey as a religious...



I saw how happy she was being one. 

... she faced her fears...
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16 July 2012, Monday

I  recall the earthquakes I had survived in my life and the angels who have extricated me from the rubbles...

...the dolphins that revived my dreams...

...God who pulled me back to my feet to start a new journey...

I pray for the souls of those who have died... 
...we light a candle of hope for those who remain buried...

...and I will always remember YOU dear friend...

I have seen you in my dreams...
praying for me...

...I am facing my fears...


We find by losing.  We hold fast by letting go.
We become something new by ceasing to be something old.
This seems to be close to the heart of that mystery.
I know no more now than I ever did about the far side
of death as the last letting-go of all, but now I know
that I do not need to know, and that I do not need
to be afraid of not knowing.  God knows.
That is all that matters.




























Thursday, July 5, 2012

ţlīthā qūm


 ţlīthā qūm

I wonder how He said it... Was it similar to a song?... a soft whisper... 
la Sua voce serena... tranquilla...

'Nowadays, we couldn't distinguish whether one is angry or affectionate ~ the tone with which we say things are the same...' preached the priest last Sunday.

...He saw her, he called her forward and said to her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.” 

There's something in This man... His look... His gaze... His eyes...
mi penetra... nel profondo... fino all'anima mia...

"He reached out His hand and touched the man."

...gently...
senza timore...


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I remember a story recounted by one Peruvian missionary nurse I worked with in North Africa. She was assigned to prepare a teenager for his first communion. He not only looked younger but he was quite smaller than his age. He was all curled up because of an unknown disease. His whole body was covered with sores and a piece of metal stand is placed between him and his bed cover so it wouldn't touch his skin. Nobody dared touch him except his mother.

For some reasons he was denied to receive the Sacrament of the Eucharist by the chaplain. Our missionary friend stormed out of the office and visited the young boy. 

She was surprised to see him smiling. She couldn't break this young boy's heart. 

He eagerly recounted what happened to him during the day while his mother was away.

...He said... a man with a very pleasant countenance came to visit him earlier. He felt a deep sense of peace overflowed inside him as his unexpected visitor pulled away the bed cover, removed the metal gently and took his hand...

They walked around his bed... and for the first time, he felt alive!

The visitor took him back to his bed and bade him goodbye... Oh this young boy's happiness was inexplicable... He added, he fell asleep soundly until our friend came...

Then he asked her quietly, 'Will you touch my hand?'

Our friend was reluctant but she removed her gloves and shook his hand... 

She went home and came back the next day to visit him again but she saw his mother instead. 

He passed away...

At that moment, she froze as she recalled everything he told her the day before...
... visitor... 
...pleasant countenance... 
...deep sense of peace...

...walk around his bed... 
He couldn't walk...

Tears flooded her eyes when she remembered him asking her to touch his hand... that man who visited him was the only person aside from his mom who held him...

He did receive Him... 
He manifested Himself to him... 

to us...
con tant'AMORE...

ţlīthā qūmī



And taking the hand of the child, he said to her, "Talitha kumi", which translates as, "Little girl, I say to you, get up."